It’s rather peculiar that I wrestled at a Pride event yesterday. A Cro-magnon, retrosexual, hetero heel, the worst possible prototype villain of the queer culture, wrestling at Eurogames. Held in downtown Helsinki under the blazing hot summer sun, Eurogames was an LGBT event, which expressly wanted to see “The Rebel” StarBuck vs. Jessica Love center stage, stemming from the hype surrounding my Spandex Sapiens movie in Finnkino theaters currently.
As most all of you should know by know, Jessica Love is Europe’s only transgender female pro wrestler. In the Spandex Sapiens movie, Jessica Love plays my worst adversary, especially from the point of values and societal values. We are polar opposites, like east and west. Jessica is the all-allowing liberal modern-day representative, whereas I am the conservative caveman who holds on to black and white principles and ideals.
Well, wrestle I did. And not just wrestle. I used the opportunity presented to make some of the most poignant social comments to be heard publicly in today’s suffocating, politically correct environment. I let loose and let it be known, that the men these days are no longer men, nor are the women any longer women. They are confused. Not just gender-confused, I mean confused in general. The statistics prove it! Look at the depression in our society. Look at the kids, how lost they are in terms of their own identities. Look at the mass divorce rates and the ever-growing numbers of single moms. I made my point loud and clear, and the Pride-friendly crowd on hand did NOT like it one single bit.
Yet, it was hard to refute what I had to say. I heard boos, sure. But not the kind of heart-felt boos that come from disdain and spite. They were moreso boos that towed the political line of the day, trained monkey kinds of boos. I believe people in their hearts knew, that I was telling the truth. It gets harder to hate a person when they tell you the truth and the truth is simply inconvenient for you.
So there I was, taking bullets in the chest and in the back for every traditional, hetero person out there, who does not have the spine or the balls to stand up for what they believe in. I went head-long into battle, alone! I sent out a load of emails prior to Eurogames, urging traditional, conservative folks and organizations of that ilk to come out and support me, “The Rebel” StarBuck, as I duked it out with Jessica Love in front of the entire LGBT community in Helsinki at this Eurogames Pride event. Guess what? NO ONE dared to show up. Not one, single group or backer of the traditional nuclear family unit showed up to support StarBuck. For this, the entire traditional, conservative front in Finland should hang their heads in shame!
I went into that match yesterday with Jessica Love a one-man army. A legend in my lifetime. A man who stood, where no others dared to stand. A lone wolf in a strange land. And I destroyed Jessica Love! I broke Jessica Love’s arm in the process. Boo-hoo. I made a statement, because extreme times call for extreme measures. You are going to remember my name! StarBuck. Get it right. It has nothing to do with coffee.
Jessica Love got to take a trip to the hospital after our match and all of a sudden, the LGBT crowd had lost their hero. Now they had a real reason to hate me. But as the saying goes, the best direction to ride a horse is in the direction that it is already headed. Haters are going to hate anyway. Give them their anti-hero. Give them what they deserve.
Jessica Love was scheduled to face me a second time in the main event of the Eurogames wrestling program later yesterday night. Well, there was no Jessica Love in sight, so out comes King Kong Karhula, defending his friend. This, in and of itself, has more to it than can be seen at surface value. Karhula recently wrote a blog of his own about his friendship with Jessica, telling of how close they are and have been for many years, even when they were feuding. In the pro wrestling business, that is called breaking kayfabe, and it is considered a cardinal sin. Karhula not only pissed all over the traditions of our business and age-old tradition, he conveniently went “into business for himself”, trying to push Jessica’s starpower in my Spandex Sapiens movie through aligning himself at this time with my transgender foe. I saw it as shameless mooching on Karhula’s part, reeking of desperation to get his own rub off the whole shebang.
Be that as it may, since Jessica Love could not wrestle with a freshly-broken arm, in comes Karhula to take Jessica’s place in the main event against Yours Truly! Toting a gay pride flag on his way to the ring, I really wondered where Karhula’s true feelings and allegiances lay. I found it both amusing and pathetic. But I will say this: Juhana Karhula came to fight. He was incensed, full of piss and vinegar. He attacked me with the kind of emotion that is rarely felt, and the people on hand felt it too. The heat was off the charts. Karhula was a man possessed, tearing into me as we brawled, before I could turn the match in my favor and run him head-first into the ring post.
My wife Diana happened to be at ringside with her new camera, taking pics:
I was able to find one single sympathizer to the traditional, conservative family cause, and that was FCF Wrestling’s Teuvo. Although he’s a beer-swigging hick, Teuvo is a man of principle. He still believes in black and white, too. So I had him come out with a Straight Pride sign and act as my one, single backer at this LGBT Eurogames event. Teuvo even got in some kicks of his own on Karhula, once I left him laying at ringside.
I blasted Karhula with all I had, having a hell of a time doing it, too! The crowd was irate and hot as hell. I hammered Karhula until we both got knocked down center-ring. Karhula had that entire Eurogames crowd behind him, as he rallied a comeback against me. Teuvo made his presence known at the most-critical moment, blasting Karhula with an open beer can in the face, allowing me to capitalize on Karhula’s misstep and roll him up for the pin and win. Sure, he got up and dropped both Teuvo and I with a Death Valley Driver afterwards, but my win was already in the history books, right in front of the most antagonistic crowd that I could ever imagine wrestling in front of.
My main event win was not only a win for StarBuck, it was a win for the entire Straight Pride cause. Where no one has the guts to stand up and make some noise for what they really believe in, should it deter from the ruling PC thought of the day, because they fear public sentiment and others’ public opinions so much, one man took the bull by the horns and led the charge. The man that took the bullets and arrows for everyone else, for those who didn’t have the guts to stand when called upon, that man stood tall in the end. Isn’t that what an anti-hero is? It sure as hell is in my book.
If you wish to hear my legendary promo as well as see the video of my matches with Karhula and Jessica Love from Eurogames, like FCF Wrestling’s Facebook page and see the bouts there!